Why I Don’t Say “Ex” nor “Exes”

This is a republishing of this Medium story I wrote.

There is a moment where with anyone — coworkers, friends or family members — , we come to discuss about major areas of life.

Such as, romantic relationships.

At first, this may not seem to make quite much of a difference, but still, this not-quite-much-of-a-difference is a nuance I never hear in people sayings.

While discussing about these, there is one tiny detail in what I say —or don’t— that people may have noticed after a while:

I never use the term: “Ex”, or “Exes”.

Instead, when I need to designate a person I was in relationship with, I simply use these exact same words. Thus, “a person I was in relationship with”. You heard it right, I use this “lengthy” phrase instead of a single word.

And I am proud of it.

At first, this may not seem to make quite much of a difference, but still, this not-quite-much-of-a-difference is a nuance I never hear in people sayings. So in fact, there may be one in the end —and not least.

But, how much of a difference does it really make to me?

To fully understand the value that, I believe, hides behind this extra mile — and its impact as to how others could perceive how delicate I seem to be when dealing about personal subjects — , let’s put everything in context.

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Imagine that “Juliette” is a person with whom I had a romantic relationship and that I’m asked if I ever happened to be that close to her. Most folks would probably reply: “Yes, Juliette is my ex.” Or, “Yes, she’s one of my exes.”

That’s common.

However, what my exact answer would have been here is: “Yes, Juliette is a person with whom I had a relationship.” Or it could have been: “Absolutely, Juliette is a person I had a [romantic] relationship with.” Or else — to sometimes vary—, I may say: “Yes, I used to be in couple with Juliette”.

Plus, I would generally end my sentence by punctuating it with an affectionate but smirking smile as a present for my then slightly puzzled interlocutor.

Ex.
A single word, a label?

Person with whom I had a relationship.
A full fledged sentence, conveying meaning in its pristine form?

To me, [caring about] using a meaningful description when attempting to accurately depict, something or someone —you have respect for — is required in order to preserve most of the substance that attaches you to what or who you are describing.

It sort of show the remaining touch of affection and consideration you still have for the unique touch of attention these people may have brought into your life.

Yes, labels simplify lots of things.

When it comes to explaining anything, using labels definitely makes our message shorter, simpler — and it’s only up to us to choose to label things or not — , but this generally also weakens or degrades the original meaning or wholeness of our initial thought.

Yes, labels — or generalizations — are way more convenient, if not needed in certain cases, to ease comprehension or deliver a complex message in shorter —understand reasonable— times. To avoid being unbearably lengthy.

However, the act of simply designating people is way shorter than the one in which one may have to explain a concept or teach things. That’s why I believe that making an extra mile here is completely worth it — of time and meaning.

It sort of show the remaining touch of affection and consideration you still have for the unique touch of attention these people may have brought into your life.

Indeed, they could have contributed to profoundly shape the current you that you’re proud of, you may have shared privileged time with them, or reveal things only them know —and potentially still do to this day.

This is why using this single word is a big no to me when I know I’ll have to mention a person I used to be (and probably still am) in love with.

This is why I take the time and effort to go the extra mile instead of using a one-size-fits-all blank label that may render simplistic the person I refer to, or the relationship we had together.

Still, I find it okay to say “yes” (or rather, nod) when someone asks me: “Is X your ex?”, as I’m not the one pronouncing the simplistic word. In this case, I won’t rephrase the whole question to make it sound nicer.

I let it go.

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The fact that I subtly display how much more delicate I think I am than most people when it comes to handle those I loved may be somewhat of a misplaced pride.

Or it may simply be that, as opposed to many folks, I indeed have an above average respect for those I used to be in couple with.

Or it could be both at the same time.

All in all, at the end of the day, whether I’m being overly proud of how I care for others, or a truly compassionated being, I’m delighted to tell myself that it’s mainly the everlasting love I feel for people that crossed my life in a unique way that makes me behave this special way.